


mantra

by chirriko



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Established Relationship, Ficlet, Insecure Tony, Light Angst, M/M, POV Tony, Pillow Talk, Romance, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, a quiet moment, tony loves steve so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:41:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24841702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chirriko/pseuds/chirriko
Summary: Steve didn't believe in deserving people, Tony learns.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 6
Kudos: 75





	mantra

Steve didn’t believe in deserving people, Tony learns. It had been an entire lifetime of filling every hollow space inside his body with the mantra of “I don’t deserve you” — stuffing it in-between his organs, pouring it into his blood vessels so they could supply every cell in his body - living and dead - with it, ingesting it with every meal, injecting it into his skin through every pore, breathing it into his lungs, using it as lube during sex, and using it as lube during heartbreak. It had been a lifetime and now, for fuck’s sake, Steve didn’t believe in deserving people. It’s like the universe gave him a lifetime to become religious only for the love of his life to be an atheist. It’s like he grew up on a farm with flying cows, inherited a cow flying business, gave TED Talks on the proper ways to fly a cow, and the man he’s destined to be with now tells him that cows have been walking all along. No, honestly, _fuck the universe_. Steve didn’t god damn believe in deserving people. 

Steve, with his fingers gently brushing over Tony’s cheeks, drawing patterns down from his temples to his chin, didn’t believe in deserving people. Tony would give him a tattoo gun and tell him to ink them into his skin. Tony would give him clay and tell him to mold them onto his face. Tony would give him his life and tell him to bleed every pattern that Steve could think of into it. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Tony repeats the mantra, rolling it off his tongue. He has enough of it stored away to let it slip out so easily, he has a warehouse filled with boxes of it, he has his bone marrow programmed to produce blood cells with the mantra ingrained into them. He has enough, so he ought to give Steve some of it. 

“I don’t believe in deserving people.” Steve lets the pattern travel to Tony’s throat, and Tony imagines the ink twirling down from his temple to his neck, imagines how the needle from the tattoo gun would tickle the sensitive skin. 

Steve’s looking up at him from where his chin is resting over Tony’s heart, his breath ghosting over Tony’s chest. The angle is awkward, uncomfortably close, Steve’s face a bit blurry. Tony would give him his heart and tell him to carve his initials into it. 

“I think people are merely people, and we are entitled to nothing and deserve no good and no bad because good and bad happens to all of us, regardless,” Steve whispers and taps his fingers on Tony’s sternum. Tony would give him drumsticks and tell him to drum any beat he can think of into his bones, “And people certainly don’t deserve _people_.” 

“Then how do we know who we should love?” He touches Steve’s back, feels every ray of sunshine Steve’s skin has ever absorbed seeping into his palm, “How do we know who we should be loved by?” Tony would give Steve his hands and tell him to burn his warmth into them. 

“We can only love,” Steve turns his gaze away, pillows his cheek on Tony’s peck, touches his lips to Tony’s skin. Tony would give him a lipstick blood red and tell him to paint his skin with the shape of his lips. “We can only love, and hope to be loved back.”

And so, Steve didn’t believe in deserving people and Tony had spent a lifetime watching cows fly. 

He leans down, buries his nose in Steve’s hair, breathes in every droplet of rain that has ever fallen on his head. 

Tony would give Steve his genes and tell him to rewrite the mantra he has spent a lifetime learning out of his DNA. 

Tony would love him and hope to be loved back.

**Author's Note:**

> this randomly came to me and I messily wrote it in the way too early hours of the morning, so here it is !
> 
> comments and kudos truly mean the world, any and all interaction is greatly appreciated !!
> 
> you can reblog this fic on [tumblr<3](https://chirriko.tumblr.com/post/621552499837599744/mantra-read-on-ao3-steve-didnt-believe-in)


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